I feel like me again, by Matthew

I found out in November last year that I was HIV-positive. It was a total shock. I was visiting family for dinner and was literally walking through the front door when the phone rang. I think I already knew what [the woman from the clinic] was trying to tell me, albeit that she didn’t want to tell me on the phone. I made her. I asked her out right if I had HIV, there was a long pause and a sigh from her end and then I knew. At that point everything went black.

I sat in the car, banging my head on the steering wheel, trying to wake up. I had just been told I was about to start a new job and I was happy in a new relationship, so I just felt like my life was over. My older brother came out to the car, got in the passenger seat and put his arms around me. I felt like he would not want me around his kids and he told me that would never happen.

All the time I can’t describe the feeling of uncertainty, how my life would be different, how my sex would be different, how no one would find me attractive, how I was going to die young and that I would lose my new job and new man. All these fears were rushing around in my head and I felt like I was an animal caught in a trap, or a bad dream, desperate to wake up.

My mother insisted that I call THT Direct and talk to someone. I did and got through straight away. The man explained that life would not change, the job was still on and that I should contact my local THT for support.

The next morning I went to my local clinic to talk to the specialist and to have my bloods taken. This was very hard, I sat there and cried as she took my blood. It didn’t hurt but I just felt dirty. I could not even look at my blood, it felt dirty and unclean and I was so scared for my mum. She was so brave for me...

And then I can’t tell you how much in such a small space of time this has changed! Everything that I have written sounds harrowing and, believe me, it was... but right now? It’s like it never even happened. Only three months later, and I feel like I did before I found out. I’m more educated. I have had good blood results meaning I’m not on meds. I have more incentive to exercise and take care of myself. I’m getting the best healthcare treatment around.

Obviously, I would much rather be negative, but it’s about turning something negative into a positive (pardon the pun). If I had known, that night sat in my car outside my brother’s house, where I felt I was dreaming and that life was over, that I could laugh, make jokes, embrace it, deal with it like it’s not even there, or even go through a whole day and totally forget I had HIV, then it would have been so much easier.

I can’t stress enough that it really does get easier ... and right now I feel great. I feel like me again, something that I thought I would never feel. I got my identity back!